Follow These Helpful Plumbing Tips (Not)

Are you having problems with your plumbing? Do you need a good plumber? Here are some tips and tricks to help you choose a plumber and do some things that will help you and your plumber get the job done fast (NOT!).

Selecting the Right Plumber
To find the right plumber in your local area, use these guidelines:

• Don’t check around asking for references;
• Don’t choose a plumber who’s been in business for more than a few months;
• Don’t use review sites to check for good reviews;
• Use an unlicensed plumber – or take the plumber’s word that he’s licensed and don’t verify his claims;
• Choose a plumber without good equipment, insurance or bonding.

Then Call The Plumber.
Once you have made your choice, call the plumber on the phone.

• Start yelling at him as soon as he picks up the phone;
• Demand a free estimate over the phone before he sees what the problem is;
• Insist he come by within thirty minutes or his service is free – hey, it works for Domino’s Pizza;
• Give your plumber your cell phone number, and make sure your cell phone is not charged or working when he has to call you;
• Make sure you won’t be home when he’s scheduled to show up.

Do These Things Before The Plumber Arrives

• If your toilet is clogged, put a fist-full of paper towels into the toilet. If they don’t go down easily, force them in with something like a coat hanger;
• If your sewer or drains are blocked, stick a towel or two into the drain/sewer. Force the towels deep into the pipe – use a broom handle or other long stick if necessary, and make sure the towel goes as deep into the pipe as possible;
• If your garbage disposal is clogged up, put in some banana peels, corn husks, papaya peels, egg shells, and other fibrous material into the garbage disposal. Also pour in some oil, then use hot water to flush away the ground-up material;
• If your shower or sink is clogged, run the water for ten minutes. This will fill up the tub or sink, making it more difficult for the plumber to do his job when he arrives;
• Make sure the house is full of guests when the plumber arrives. Have as many people in the house as possible, including babies, dogs etc.

What to Do When the Plumber Arrives.

• Start yelling at him the moment he arrives. You can yell at him for being late, or you can yell at him about ObamaCare or Benghazi or 9/11, or you can just yell at him about the general condition of your plumbing;
• Then yell at him some more. Yell about the high prices of plumbing services or anything else you like. The more yelling, the better it is for everyone;
• When he starts working, offer to help him. If you can’t help, just get in the way as much as you can and be a general nuisance.

What to Do When the Plumber Has Completed the Job.

• Yell at him some more;
• Get in the way as much as you can while he’s trying to clean up;
• Yell at him again for not cleaning up properly;
• Yell at him about the price he’s just charged you. You can also yell at him about the poor quality of his work, or anything else you like – just yell.

What to do After the Plumber Leaves.

• As soon as the plumber leaves, go online and write a bad review about him, his company, his workmanship, his lousy tools, or anything else you can think of;
• Place several more paper towels into the toilet, forcing them down if necessary. Also throw in a toothbrush for good measure;
• Stick a new bath-size towel into any drain or sewer pipe that will fit. Again, force the towel as far as you can into the drain, using a broom handle again if necessary. If you can’t find a suitable towel, a large terrycloth robe will do just fine;
• Go to another online review site and write another scathing review about the plumber. Use a different angle this time: talk about the way he smelled;
• Complain about the plumber to all your friends, family members and business associates.

If you follow these plumbing tips and hints, you will get a lousy plumber, you will make things worse, you will never get it fixed right and you will never be happy.